The Diseased Imaginings of a Tainted Mind
It’s interesting to me how many status I see posted by people I know declaring how they are now doing this new thing with their understanding of themselves. Be it coming out as Gay, Trans, or perhaps a new tattoo. All of these things are to be commended. In fact, I think that each and every one of them is stupendously brave.
The reason is, simply put, that being me is something that I’ve struggled with since I was about 17. It begins where all good sob-stories begins which is with having a rough time at school, collapsing in an emotional heap, and having to pull yourself together (with the help of the NHS).
It left scars. It left scars because I was so fractured that the only way to put me back together was for the scar tissue to hold me together.
It took me a long time to even begin to find out who I am. And now, here I am, at a point where I think that I need to do something to rediscover myself, only to find that the person that I’ve invented for me to pretend to be, with the friends that I have made, can’t actually explore in the ways that I would like without offending people.
I am, mostly, a man. I have made many posts about that fact that that’s not all that I am. A few weeks ago, I dressed up for the Rocky Horror Picture show, and it felt amazing. Do do my nails, to put make-up on, do actually make myself up to go out. I had a great time, and was well-received at the show.
Things changed at the pub afterwoulds where I met up with some friends who had also been to see the show. There one of my friends told me that they didn’t want to be near me because “a man waring women’s clothing freaks me out”. Their words, not mine. This was particularly interesting being at the person in question was Trans themselves.
I’m not quite sure where the line is for them. The thing is, while I know it shouldn’t worry me, it does. I enjoyed myself, but because it offended someone, the chance of me doing it again, or even, strongly contemplating doing it again means that I wont.
This is why I don’t think that I’m fixed.
I sort of knew that already. I’ve noticed behaviors returning from the past. A running away from tomorrow because there’s a thing that I can’t deal with.
What I can’t deal with, it seems, is the fact that one of my friends doesn’t seem to want to accept me for being, well, being me – whatever that should look like.
This may be, sadly, the time when I have to leave someone who is toxic in my life behind. As sad as it will be to see them go, I’m not sure that I have the mental space for such negativity in my safe places.
Today, I watched Manaquin. I loved it for all kinds of reasons. Mostly for Hollywood. (S)he is amazing. All flamboyant and gay, and of course, Gay. I always wanted to be like that.
Though, sadly, I’m not gay. Perhaps I can learn to be that flamboyant.